guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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