you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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