All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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