My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
