Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
the liver wants what the liver wants
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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