If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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