Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
