i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
