I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have tasted many bathrooms