This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle