I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
