im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
