I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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