Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
high people should be assigned attendants
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
