The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
