if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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