I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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