I accidentally had phone sex last night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
