no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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