Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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