there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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