How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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