I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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