She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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