apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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