Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
