worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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