So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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