I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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