In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There r osticjed everywhere
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
