So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
