There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
