note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
