I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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