I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
