On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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