That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
