i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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