That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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