If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
