I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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