Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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