im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
