Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
