Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
