I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
