Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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