I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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