On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
