For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
