She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
