I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
