just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I understand Curling. That high.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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