I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
