bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
