The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
